"The first confirmed case of bird flu has been discovered in Iraq. You know, this kind of thing could destroy their tourism industry." --Jay Leno
Vociferado por NyOrlandhotep, the Chaotic Chaos às 5:20 da tarde
16.2.06
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"Big Bird quarantined for avian flu"
By John Breneman
The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that PBS superstar Big Bird has been quarantined as a possible carrier of the deadly and horrifying avian flu.
Also wanted for questioning by the U.S. government -- the international chicken kingpin, Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky.
To help people avoid being slain by the impending $800 billion pandemic, the U.S. Department of Death Prevention has issued a pamphlet entitled "Facts & Myths About the Deadly and Horrifying Bird Flu Pandemic."
The following activities may increase your risk of exposure to avian flu:
-- slaughtering chickens
-- consuming tainted Eggs Benedict
-- getting crapped on by an infected pigeon
-- guzzling Grey Goose vodka
-- sharing a needle with a heroin-addicted penguin
-- administering mouth-to-beak resuscitation to a wounded fighting cock
-- unprotected sex with an H5N1-positive ostrich
The following activities probably DO NOT cause bird flu:
-- canoodling with a parakeet
-- sitting on a toilet seat at Kentucky Fried Chicken
-- consuming Chicken of the Sea brand tuna
-- shaking hands with NBA legend Larry Bird
-- boning a chicken breast
-- getting nailed by a woodpecker
-- flamingo dancing
-- unprotected sex with NBA legend Larry Bird
The following are tell-tale symptoms that you may have contracted bird flu:
-- a sudden craving for earthworms and seeds
-- involuntary chirping
-- twitching or "flapping" of the arms
-- an unexplainable desire to pack your sleeping area with twigs and pine needles
This just in: To avoid any risk of wiping out the entire U.S. population, Thanksgiving and Easter are being canceled until further notice. As for the economic impact, leading financial ornithologists recommend investing in pork futures.
One final note: Avoid hummingbirds.
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